Geni Swing Guitars

Eden Guitar

It was the first time I ever saw a men's restroom line that was longer than the line to the woman's restroom. Which just doesn't happen. At most events, that my wife and I attend, I end up waiting on her. This bathroom trip was different and I have a theory why.

Judging by the average age of the men in this awfully slow moving urinal line, I'd say a collective prostate-specific antigen test would produce a figure reminiscent of Bo Derek.

Now prostate problems are not a laughing matter. As I was standing there chuckling within my own cranium, it wasn't the idea of high PSA tests and frequent unproductive trips to the porcelain wall that struck me as funny. What struck me as humorous was where we all were. The event we all were coming from wasn't an ARP membership drive or a retirees reunion at the local factory or any other senior citizen focused experience... we were all at a Styx concert!

Styx, the 70's era rock band that gave us such classics as Renegade, Blue Collar Man, Lorelei, Miss America, Grand Illusion, and others. The last time I was at a Styx concert Jimmy Carter was president, Rossford High School was my biggest worry, and the $8.00 general admission seating price at the Toledo Sports Arena was made bearable by the drifting clouds of self-medicinal herbs.

30 years later I'm paying $50.00 a ticket for the same show, give or take a musician or two. Well, except now I had an assigned balcony seat...under a magnificent crystal chandelier...in a smoke-free theater...in beautiful Mobile, Alabama, but the show was the same! Which was, of course, absolutely great! The fifty-something rockers played like this was their prime!

While waiting on the stage to come alive with Pearl drums, Marshall amps, and Tommy Shaw, I noticed that we may have been the youngest groupies in the crowd. The other men had gray hair, no hair, or fake hair. The women made me turn my head twice, not because their beauty was catching, but because they resembled my mother and a few of her friends.

Did I say orange hair? No, I didn't think so. This wasn't South Florida it was Mobile, Alabama. My wife was born here and has lived here all her years and I can assure you that her years have been very good to her.

The grandest illusion of the evening had nothing to do with the song or the concert, but everything to do with my perception of growing old. There I was, 44 years old and hanging on every note that sang from Tommy Shaw's guitars, just as I did when I was 14.

Did I say guitars - plural? Yes, I did, because Tommy Shaw must have changed his guitar about 3000 times during the show. That would be 3000 different guitars. Not switching from a Les Paul to a Fender and back again. He switched guitars in the middle of nearly every song.

Now back in the 70's I don't remember him having a fleet of guitars to occupy his time between riffs. I bet he had a favorite guitar like his band mate, James Young. James played one axe all night. It was an ugly red Fender guitar, but it obviously worked.

Tommy Shaw, the master of a gazillion guitars, is about 10 years my elder and that gives me a theory. He is 53 years old. I think when he was going through his mid-life crises he decided to stabilize his life's emotional uncertainty by buying every electric guitar he could get his hands on.

Think of it, why would he want a red corvette when he is constantly on tour riding in a bus or flying on a plane? I imagine that he was probably sitting in a Sheraton Hotel in Cleveland, Ohio, bored to tears, crying about his mid-life distress, when it suddenly hit him... Why not buy another guitar? So, after 3000 cities he now has 3000 guitars.

Mid-life crisis is that time when a man tries to justify the love of his youth with his responsibilities of tomorrow. And, he has got to play guitar tomorrow! I think he handled his mid-life crises successfully.

I think most men believe they are handling their mid-life crises successfully. That's why we have to endure red lights next to convertible corvettes driven by aging fat bald guys with buxom college aged blondes tucked under their hairy exposed arms.

These are the guys who think they are playing their cards right. They have planned their mid-life crises with their future in mind. They are concerned about their tomorrow, so they have taken action. They planned ahead. They know that the Corvette will get them to the post office quicker so they can mail their alimony checks, on time.

I have no plans to replace my Hyundai or beautiful bride, but I have started to wonder...are the Rolling Stones coming to town?

© Copyright 2007 by Steve Durkac. All rights reserved.

Steve Durkac is a leadership trainer, grandpa, and a bad ventriloquist, but he did write a funny book called "If I were Adam we would still be in Eden!"

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